Divination

On Death and Grieving

2007-05-26T04:48:00.000+02:00

R.I.P Divination. Divination is dead!

My absence from Blogger has one culprit to blame. Facebook!
Facebook just works so well at networking and keeping people up to date with what is happening. This makes my use of Divination in its current form slightly obsolete. Don't fear though, Blogger does form part of my Two-Year-Plan! I will save all of my posts so far. I intend to reorganise my memberships to Blogger and MySpace around my creative work with Myspace becoming part online portfolio part networking site and Blogger filling the role of documenting the work and becoming a forum on creative work.

Thank you to everyone that has posted comments, or even just read my posts. Follow the Facebook link below and add me as a friend.

[Mac]hinations

2007-04-08T11:56:00.000+02:00

I feel like a father. Years spent waiting for a Macintosh and the day finally arrived. The anticipation was killing me. It became worse considering that the beautiful can-do-no-wrong 24-inch machine arrived on the same day that I left for Cape Town. As much as it hurt me, I escorted her home, dropped her off in the studio and proceeded to pack my bag.

I had just enough time to go through the lovely set-up procedure, rip a Shins CD and sync my cellphone before taking my leave. I have to admit that most of the excitement I had for getting home had to do with this beast. It was so easy setting up dsl, importing contacts, creating a birthday calendar and configuring my email client. This was all done with the standard software.

Enough with the geekiness...
Fairest Cape volume II to follow soon.

On the Fairest Cape: Redux

2007-03-26T08:22:00.000+02:00

By-the-seat-of-your-pants-roadtrips have always turned out to be the most fun. This semester has been very difficult and I haven't been away since November. On Friday Ryk asked me along on the kidofdoom Cape Town Tour. A couple of phonecalls, a couple of shifts covered and I'm the official photographer for the tour. As Ryk would say, "Fuck yeah!"

On the Never-Nude

2007-03-22T01:20:00.000+02:00

My credit card is running away with me, turning everything around me an alarming shade of red. Nude No More indeed.

On Being...

2007-03-14T02:28:00.000+02:00

In January I spent two weeks interning at SL Magazine.
While I was there, I worked on two silly little pages that
were published in the current issue and I'm listed as a
contributor. It was pretty exciting opening the issue at
the bookshop, checking the index and turning to the pages.

On Surfaces Pt.III: The Thinly Veiled Agendas of the Self-Proclaimed

2007-03-05T07:13:00.000+02:00

The Great Hall is an intimate venue. I'm standing in line for drinks that I don't want. I get the drinks and find my seat. The Two Girls are sitting right in front.

There sits a girl, further down the row. We've spoken before. We've spoken on MySpace. I sit in my seat and watch the stage.

Harris Tweed are opening. It's only Cherilyn and Darryl on stage. Cherilyn's selfconscious. The things that they do move me.

There's an intermission. I make a single-serving friend. Jose comes on.

Jose's voice is firm and the guitar is forceful. It strikes me like a wall of conviction. There is so much to take in and with every word he sings I want him to say more. A curtain call later and my appetite has only grown.

The promoter takes us backstage because She handed out pamphlets for the show. Jose is quiet and gentle. He signs Her CD sleeve, Her poster, Her ticket and Her backstage pass. I ask him about Zero 7 and he says thanks us for coming to watch.

The promoter kisses Her twice. Says he's starting a company. Says he wants to use her skills. She's only 1st year design and the skill he's talking about works just as well with his eyes closed.

I'm glad that it's no longer my problem.

[EDIT]

I hate having to explain the intentions of something that I write but I now need to. The capitalised letters of She and Her are intended to identify a particular person. This person is a huge fan and had many things signed by Jose. The promoter seemed slimy from the moment I met him and the second last paragraph is inteded to show his thinly veiled agenda. This post is a record of my experience of the night and in no way represents any unhappy feelings towards any single person.

Thank you to the anonymous person that reads what I write.

On Surfaces Pt.II: Blinded by Proximity

2007-02-28T07:57:00.000+02:00

She did invite me along. I'm just glad that I'm going with people that know who he is. Three months isn't such a long time until you consider it to be a quarter of a year. She told me once that sometimes she can be aloof. I'd just call it cold.

Tonight isn't about anything other than the music. She asks me if I'd mind driving. I don't. I'm running on my end-of-the-month Salty Crax and I pay for petrol.

I watch the show from outside my body and I watch myself from deep within it. While we got along so well, I couldn't feel her heat and I have always been too good at conducting emotion.

It came time to be friends I thought that we'd at least be able to relate. It turns out that we related a lot better when it was related to her. The depth that I saw was just another surface, one that I don't expect to see again.

On Surfaces Pt.I: Putting My Preface on

2007-02-21T02:17:00.000+02:00

I have a ticket to see Jose Gonzales tonight. It's going to be an interesting night. Many of you might know his work on the Bravia ads (left). Veneer is a pretty album. I'm just glad to see the guy from the new Zero 7 album.

I've come to terms with the selfishness of people. The fact that any person I meet will let me down can be pretty infuriating. The best thing for me to do now is not to expect anything and treat it as "one night to speed up truth".

On Flashing Lights and Wandering Eyes

2007-02-13T09:23:00.000+02:00

I was horrified when I stumbled across the TokyoFlash website. I had been working on a system of representing time using as few LED's as possible in an intuitive way. The watches on TokyoFlash are so far more advanced than where I was when I found the site. So while I'm still networking in order to develop the system - first into a clock and then into a watch - I decided to get myself one for the meantime.

I was checking the my statistics expecting to see dismally low, or more accurately missing, visits to Divination. I'm surprised to see that there are quite a few regular and seemingly silent readers. Please indulge me. I'd like to find out about who you are if your system matches the following:

Firefox on Mac OSX in (Possibly) Johannesburg (I think I know who this is)
Opera on unknown OS in (Possibly) Randburg
Firefox on Windows XP in (Possibly) Johannesburg
Mozilla on unknown OS in California - Inktomi Corporation (I've noticed your visits since the beginning of Divination)

It's funny how the title of this post seems to describe my social life at the moment.

On The Android's Conundrum

2007-02-04T03:20:00.000+02:00

This morning, like every other Sunday morning, I wake up earlier than I do in the week. After a shower and a shave I skip breakfast and head out to my car.

In summer the sun is up. All through the year Sunday drivers are up.

There are two temples along the road. When it opened, morning mass at the one further up the hill was responsible for the traffic.

I turn off to prepare for mass at the closest. One is a church of God, the other, a church of Commerce.

Spiritual guilt wanes and the traffic thins.

On Innocence and It's Being Wasted on the Dead and the Dreaming

2007-02-01T09:42:00.000+02:00

At times I hate that I never have anything interesting to post about. The upside of that is that it more often than not means that life is not all that complicated. The next time I lament that nothing interesting is happening remind me of this post and I'll remember to mind what I wish for.

Being weighed down as I am by studies, relationships and miscellany, I'm only posting now to stop any rumours passing from the lips of the statcounter people as they remark about the lack of traffic on my site and come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, dead.

Things to look forward to in future episodes: Internship and the traffic it slapped me with; Relationships and the false hope bubbles of mine they've burst; Student[ship] and the selfdoubting fight-or-flight truck it continually runs me over with. By my calculations I can only start Wincing the Night Away in a week or two.

On the End of Nudity

2007-01-04T02:58:00.000+02:00

My first order of Threadless t-shirts are as follows:

On Sunblock

2006-11-24T00:26:00.000+02:00

It's off to the sunlaced Wild Coast for me in a couple of hours. I don't think that there'll be an internet cafe. More than that, I don't think I'll be in any mood to track one down. Take care and enjoy your week.

On a Chronic Condition

2006-11-19T15:22:00.000+02:00

Percy is spinning his web of words again. I really feel like I'm overthinking things and I should just let them be. We're set to go to Durban for a week and he just won't let me rest.

One exam left on Tuesday, internships lined up and no plans for New Years as yet. It is truly an exciting time...

None Like it Hot

2006-11-09T06:04:00.000+02:00

Tuesday nights are once again movie nights. Until Nu Metro begin an initiative similar to Cinema Nouveau (Prive shows the same fils in larger seats), it seems like this will be an almost regular thing. I was running late and had to postpone seeing Little Miss Sunshine until next week. Instead, we saw An Inconvenient Truth.

I've seen quite a lot about the film, being that we carry the book at our store, that I saw Al Gore on Conan O'Brien, and that there have been a few things on T.V. about it. About ten minutes into the film I was surprised to see an excerpt from Futurama featured. Since I regard Futurama as the single greatest animated show in existence, it's needless to say that I enjoyed the reference. I re-watched the episode that it was taken from and I saw that featured "the inventor of the environment and first Emperor of the Moon" Al Gore's head.

He isn't the only celebrity to have guest starred as their disembodied-selves in the series either. My favourites are Stephen Hawking, The Beastie Boys, Lucy Liu, Beck and Conan O'Brien. "Good news everyone", gotfuturama.com reported that there are new episodes in the works. If this turns out to be rumours then at least I'll get a fix from the four planned DVD movies being produced.

Upon further reading, I found that Matt Groening et al. had produced a trailer for An Inconvenient Truth. As the person that initiated all of the recycling that we do in my home, I have a few conflicted feelings. I feel that Groening's treatment of the subject is a little too dismissive. It's perfectly fine when it's part of an episode because that is meant to be entertainment. I may be experiencing the whole thing in reverse though because I also see the need to raise awareness about the cause of global warming. If the trailer sells a few more tickets to the film then I'm at least happy about that. The film was shocking, I have to admit. I fear that the None Like it Hot excerpt may be more telling than it seems on first viewing. Will there be a "last minute fix" of half-measures to alleviate the problem? Still, I marvel at how different it could have been had Gore been inaugurated instead of Bush.

Go see An Inconvenient Truth.

On the Absence of Presence

2006-11-04T02:10:00.000+02:00

It's been an interesting few weeks. Water supply issues, without any poisoning problems. The new lady has returned from Kimberley on Wednesday. I'm seeing her tonight again.

Exams have started. They're taking longer to get through than last year. Which suits me because I visited the campus pub more often than I attended Art History lectures and I need some time to catch up. In my defence the last two modules were South African Art themes and Contemporary South African Artists.

I officially hate you all: Mike is constantly travelling. Karen is almost Dr. Karen. Anni is more absent than I am. Arcadia is touring restaurants in Pretoria and I suspect Neko is finished with exams.

Thankfully it's nearing that time of year when everyone wants their books giftwrapped. And they'll all expect us to know the title, author and subject of every book they intend to buy as a gift. I'm so looking forward to everyone making jokes about fanaticism that I haven't heard since the last customer, who incedentally asked why we don't sell airtime or pens or suppositories...

On Passing the Time

2006-10-20T07:38:00.000+02:00

My last deadline was a week ago. My conscience is lighter, my back is straighter and my hair is shorter.

The more endearing of my flaws rest in the department building. One lies inbetween others like it. It keeps to itself and speaks when spoken to. The other hangs on the wall for all to see.

There, watching, she stands for a moment. She'll look up at an image before looking into it.

Five days since I first met her, this is the fourth night that I've seen her. The only time that I run out of things to say is when I watch the words fall from her lips.

On Tag

2006-10-05T02:34:00.000+02:00

As the first person to use my tagboard in two months (other than myself) Arcadia has started a viral post. Having already tagged Leon and Karen, and since Mike's removed his tagboard, my only target is Anni.
Here are my 20 random facts:

I hate getting wet but I have often stood in the rain.

My Grandfather was Cypriot.

I met Percy after my parents were divorced.

The only items of clothing that I buy for the brand are shoes.

I have no cavities or fillings in my teeth.

When I was 8, I plagiarised The Hobbit for a personal short story.

I wanted to become a Paleontologist (digs up dinosaur bones) when I was in primary school.

I think that struggling builds character.

I don't need to be alone to be lonely.

My nursery school was Afrikaans and my high school was bilingual.

I camped-out at a three day music festival alone.

I used to name bright stars after girls I had a crush on.

I learnt to drive when I was 12.

Despite being a big-time gamer, I refuse to play an X-Box because it's made by Microsoft.

I think that Saturday Night Live sucks.

I never studied art at high school.

I can't sing but I do anyway.

I hate the Vodacom Meercat.

I can't remember the happiest day of my life so far (there have been a few).

I love looking at things that people keep in their rooms.

On Being Idle

2006-09-21T10:33:00.000+02:00

I'm finishing off the first proper drawing project for Illustration this year. It brought a welcome break from the eye-melting computer monitor. Each fortnight brings a new challenge. Each challenge sees me shift old clutter into a new location. Trust me, the floor below the frame of this photo is the stuff of nightmares... Epic ones...

The deadline tomorrow morning brings with it a recess of 10 days. Matthew makes with the preparations. Ready the Heineken; the anti-perspirant; the pachydermal rejection skin; and the post-event morphine generic and jerry-cans of top-up dignity.

On Incomprehension

2006-09-13T11:06:00.000+02:00

As it turns out, Percy seems to be a defence mechanism. I know that they do, and I know why they do but I struggle to come to terms with how people play games. They start of pain and they come to pain.

On Piggy-back Rides

2006-09-03T00:38:00.000+02:00

This monkey, he sits on my back. He looks a lot like me. His hands are over my ears and they point my head in the direction he wants it to look. His eyes see what I see but his fingers plug my ears. He hears everything and only reports on things he believes that I need to hear. He interprets for me all of the things that he lets me see. He whispers things to me. When I'm alone with my monkey, he convinces me of things. Things that I know cannot be true, or that I wish could be. But with his silver-tongue and soothing tone, my doubts disappear.

I have a hole at the base of my neck through which his arm fits. When his arm is inside this hole, his fingers operate my tongue like a sock puppet. At these times, I have no more control over what I say than over what colour the monkey's bare backside is (bright blue). His other hand plays my spinal chord like a harp. My limbs move around and I shake. I always change my stance and position, sitting or standing. My head bobs, my hands writhe and drop things and my feet tap sporadically. I call this dancing.

This bastard monkey is a jealous bastard monkey. He doesn't want me to meet new people or make new friends. I know that he's in charge, and he knows that I know. Occasionally he acts up and throws his toys around. Often these tantrums coincide with public speaking - such as project presentations and crit sessions - or other times when making sense is most important.

The worst thing about the jealous monkey is that he is very perceptive and quite talented at reading people. If he sees anyone with the slightest interest in me, he ties knots in my tongue and thrashes on my spinal chord like he's Marty McFly playing Johnny B. Goode in Back to the Future Part 1. Being adept at reading people, he reads me like a Johannesburger reads designer labels. When I'm speaking to a potential love interest, the degree of comparison reaches five notches above "worst". I can't pronounce words, what I do say only makes sense to me, my mouth dries up and the fish that has replaced my tongue does not go well into that dry night.

The only relief I can find is to tranquilize Percy (the monkey) with copious amounts of alcohol. He usually dozes off while scratching his monkey sack. At this point I have turned control of my personality over to Captain Morgan (who is entirely too social compared to Percy's hermit-like demeanour). This is great for the duration of the good Captain's time at the helm, but the Cap'n is a restless, irresponsible leader. He eventually wakes Percy up and sets sail on the porcelain express one way or another. It's at this point that Percy goes ape. Using broken sentences and digressing at length, he wastes no time in making me feel both paranoid and guilty at letting such a vagabond take the control and confused at the nonsense he screams into my ears while jumping around on my back and pulling at my hair.

On Waxing Lyrical Pt.IV: Nostalgia

2006-09-01T06:18:00.000+02:00

Clearly my experience with music, like most peoples, is inherently emotional. This emotional connection inspires interesting behaviour. It was not exclusively my guy friends and myself that experienced the Feeder concert. I was in my first long term relationship at the time and it the concert coincided with my better-half's birthday week. I wanted her with me when I saw the band. I used my entire months allowance to gift her a ticket.

Nostalgia plays a rather important role in my collections and it has at times affected my judgement. The relationship came to somewhat of a close when my gap year began. Struggling with closure issues and being affected so much by the girl, I made a few unusual CD purchases. The girl was not only interested in rock and alternative, but she had an affinity for r 'n b and hip hop aswell.I found familiarity in Dido, Alicia Keys, N*E*R*D and, sadly, Ashanti.

This extended to my Pukkelpop experience aswell. It's interesting how some songs can only begin to mean something when my emotional state matches up with the themes of the song. In contrast to my experience with Feeder, Pukkelpop was slightly more sombre. Travelling alone seems to have that effect, but it was the fact that I needed to share the experience with someone that contributed to the melancholic sheen on the experience. So much so, that during Staind's performance of It's Been a While, I became vulnerable enough to let tears mingle with the raindrops that rolled down my face.

On Waxing Lyrical Pt.III: Aesthetics

2006-08-19T11:49:00.000+02:00

There is a magic that happens when I relate to music. An overwhelming sensation. It trickles down my spine. It pulls at my skin. My breathing becomes shallow. My pulse races and eyes widen. It gets to a stage where it possesses me to such an extent that my roughly outlined monthly budget transforms petrol funds into disposable income and the collection grows.

Towards the end of Matric, my interests turned to the emerging garage-guitar rock bands. I explored the sounds of The Strokes, The Vines and The Hives before coming to rest on the bluesy grit of The White Stripes. I was in London for my gap year when I got White Blood Cells, their third album. And while two of their singles received somewhat limited airplay and somewhat better success, it was the rest of the tracks that broke me. We're Going to be Friends, This Protector, Hotel Yorba and Now Mary found their way into my heart. But it was the personal identification with the heartfelt and tragic beauty of The Same Boy you've always Known that convinced me to get their back catalogue.

I progressed from CD's to MP3's at this stage and I toured parts of Western Europe with my music. The first stop was, unsurprisingly, the 3 day Pukkelpop music festival. Before this, Feeder had been the only international act that I had seen. I missed Counting Crows', Collective Soul's and Live's first South African visits. So it was three days of Christmas for me. The most influential of the acts at the festival was the Foo Fighters. Prior to the set, I had heard a handful of their songs. Afterwards, I had been converted into an all out fanatic. The energy and raw power of their performance was too much to resist and I bought their first three albums all at once, of which The Colour and The Shape became my absolute favourite. Their fourth album and their live DVD followed soon after. Their latest album, In your Honor, had as profound an effect on me. The power of the rock disc and the stunning texture of the acoustic disc convinced me to start saving for another trip to Europe that would conveniently coincide with a Foo Fighters performance.

On the Arcadian Festival

2006-08-14T05:26:00.000+02:00

I'm convinced that my small audience already reads Passing the Open Windows. Anyone who doesn't should check out the week of lists currently happening there.

On Waxing Lyrical Pt.II: Self Exploration

2006-08-13T01:34:00.000+02:00

Music became the most powerful and prominent way in which I could identify myself. With a guffaw and a slight snarl, I shunned all genres that fell outside of rock's influence. Music was my religion, alternative was my sect and Tuks FM was my all day mass.

A friend of mine was housesitting for a relative and a small group of us stayed over a lot. There was a feature on Tuks called the Request Explosion. Every hour on the half hour, the DJ would take three calls and play the callers' requests. On the first night at the house, we managed to phone through every hour for seven hours straight. Once we even got through twice in one sitting.

At the time, Hatfield was the regular hangout. Every weekend, one of our parents picked all four of us up and dropped us off. Every weekend we would decide which fine establishment we would most likely have a chance at not being bounced from in the attempt to fuel our underage drinking habits. I had been 18 for a full three years before seeing my 18th birthday. When things didn't go our way, or when the night turned out to be a bust, the four of us (sometimes with an extra person - a girlfriend or a schoolmate) would take a walk over to the radio station on campus. After chatting with the DJ we listened to our request in the lounge before heading back to Hatfield to be picked at up around eleven o'clock.

The extraordinary means that resulted in Feeder reaching South Africa was one of controversy for me. They were the headline act for the all day music festival that was 5FM's birthday celebration. I was not about to let that stop me however. I refused to refer to the event with its official title, opting instead to call it "the Feeder concert". The same group of friends that made the unbeatable run on the request line were present at the event. Surrounded by limegreen t-shirts, we would make our presence known with the name of our regular place of praise written on our cheeks with eyeliner.

On Waxing Lyrical Pt.I: An Introduction

2006-08-05T03:45:00.000+02:00

The first proper music purchase I made was No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom. I became aware of the band through when their single Don't Speak began doing the rounds on 5FM. I was 11 at the time and already I felt like I was skirting the fringes of the commercial scene. I was not as interested in the things that other people were. I wouldn't experience the minefield of social interaction and peer pressure for a few years yet. It would turn out to be a time I'd rather leave in the dark.

Feeder's Echo Park is the most notable album from the beginning of my collection. This album's first single was Buck Rogers and received a lot of airplay time on radio. I remember playing the album as soon as I got home and paged through the sleeve to read along to the lyrics. I used to listen to the album in my mother's car while I washed it every Sunday (and also on the way to being dropped off at my girlfriend's place). It made my year when the band came out to perform at SuperSport Park in Centurion. The carwash experience paid off when I realised that I was singing along to every song that they performed.

On several separate occasions I have been moved by music and for a variety of different reasons. Decisions were made concerning my music interests where the influences where anywhere from the trivial to the profound. A high school crush turned me into a dance music refugee. I met a rock-chick and the infatuation inspired in me a passion for integrity and truth in music. It was from here that my interest in the honesty and depth of rock and alternative took root. First stop on my migration: Tuks FM.

As the harbingers of alternative/punk, The Pixies seemed to dwell in my unconscious for a long time before germinating into an explosive compulsion that pushed me off the charted musical plane. Where is My Mind, easily their most recognisable track, is timeless (despite bordering on being overplayed, even today) and instantly recognisable. However brilliant the track is, it in no way represents fully the style and outright guts of the band and their tremendous body of work. Countless hours of listening on a CD Walkman and repeated inspections of the CD sleeve turned me into the biggest and most die hard Pixies fan in South Africa. I knew that I would complete this collection.

Music commands a large amount of my attention. It is the most precious of my collections. I have gone to a lot of effort and expense in its creation. I set very high standards for myself in most things I do and this is no exception. It, quite naturally, has become an overwhelming compulsion to collect the original CD's and the covers and sleeves that come with them.

Currently in my collection are the complete catalogues of The Pixies, The Foo Fighters, The Shins, The White Stripes, Portishead, Zero 7 and Skunk Anansie; there are a number of soundtrack albums, a number of Best of's and a couple of singles that I bought when I was much younger. In all, I have over 70 full length albums and counting (keeping in mind that many others have been removed from my collection for reasons of embarrassment or changing tastes.

Music's effects are many and layered. As such, the different aspects of my life that it has touched are as varied. I don't see how a person can describe the feelings that music inspires. Nor how to relate the memories that music evokes. I don't believe there will ever be something that can communicate as music does, even without words.

On Ninja Rabbits and Pilot Dogs

2006-08-02T00:09:00.000+02:00

The two practical subjects in Information Design are Information Design (Design) and Imaging and Visualisation (Illustration). Pursuing this career was always going to be problmatic for me. At highschool I studied Accounting, Computer Science, Maths, Science and the languages. All this at Pro Arte Alphen Park - "the arts school" of Pretoria. At the entrance exam (for a highschool?) I thought that I was going to study art.

It came to me late in my highschool career that there were actually people that created CD sleeves and movie posters. It wasn't too difficult to see that I wasn't happy with the business route - the fact that I was the laziest student that got by purely by natural ability might have been a clue. I took a gap year and prepared myself for the task of creating a "portfolio" to hand in at my Information Design entrance exam. Second choice was Architecture (missed the M-score by 2 points - laziness) and third was Journalism (with a heavy leaning towards Photo Journalism).

Creativity was the most important thing in the course. Nevertheless technical ability was what was preached for the entire first year. I was always on my backfoot in every Illustration class although I felt as though I caught up pretty well. Second year turned things mostly in my favour and I forgot about any inferiority complexes I had developed. Until character design that is.

Chenette Swart was our lecturer for the last three character projects. It started off well when we had to do self-characterisation - the fruits of which grace the page to your right. Afterwards it was all down hill. She is constantly pushing for honesty in our work (which is a very good thing for us to have), but she makes assumptions about the types of people we are and what it is that we need to be honest to. It was exactly this that brought back those doubts in technical ability.

Thankfully the current character development project greeted me with the absence of Ms Swart. I have so much less to worry about, and so much less to freeze up over. I would even venture to say that it's fun.

On the World Cup

2006-07-10T17:27:00.000+02:00

Thank fuck it wasn't Portugal.

Well Hello Mr Fancypants!

2006-05-18T10:00:00.000+02:00

How sad is it that I don't even have time to blog? Deadline upon test upon due date upon work shift. Exams are only 12 days away and the most attention I have been able to pay them has been to print out the timetable. I have noticed citizens getting restless. Anyone for some cake?

These are a few things I might have failed to mention about my trip to The Fairest Cape in December.

I visited the Newlands Brewery with Frank. The air outside was the most delicious air I have sniff-tasted so far (rich-and-cereal-like-even).

These bartaps were well and truly frozen over. We were allowed two complimentary pints each. When the bartender disappeared, Frank and I helped ourselves to more.

This is a "puzzle" hanging in Oblivion - frequented by non-jock, laid-back regulars in shorts and slops. I had it on good authority that many a drunk patron has tried to rearrange the usually jumbled pieces into a complete image. Such a lot of effort when you could see the unmolested image hanging in the men's bathroom.

They're also got a range of games to play including 30 seconds and "Dare Jenga". I both wore a halter top and belly danced on the table.

Not much to say about this. I guess this Penny Arcade strip is now slightly moot.

This was made for a Record Sleeve competition a couple of weeks ago. It took me a couple of hours and it turned out very messy. I handed it in to a lecturer that was involved. There was meant to be some sort of an auction of the numerous entries with the proceeds going to the Hospice. On the night there was only one sleeve and mine was somehow missing. I'm thinking either my lecturer kept it for herself or, most likely, the organiser tossed it with a snide "Pffftt wahaha".

Working in the bookshop can be draining at times. It's not difficult work at all, however there are difficult people to deal with every so often. We often stand around chewing the fat but receiving and packing away new stock can certainly build up on you. There are advantages: discount; access to such rich, creative material; finding interesting items; etc...

This one caught my eye for its strange names that remind me of someone.

Ladies and gentlement, please warm your hands for the one and only, Mr Jack Johnson.

And imagine my surprise at finding out the true meaning of Emo.

Stick a fork in me...

On Character

2006-04-15T00:02:00.000+02:00

I'm not so sure about this.

On the Long and Short of It

2006-04-13T18:28:00.000+02:00

I'm sad that my last post has more comments than the previous six even though it's only two lines long.

My 100th post is coming up soon. I'll try to make it special.

In the Third Person

2006-04-09T06:46:00.000+02:00

Matthew's getting polaroid film soon. Matthew is excited. Matthew must use film sparingly. Matthew cannot wait...

On Anni's Request

2006-04-07T02:41:00.000+02:00

a. Matthew Hart (no second name) b. Matt; Matty; Hart; Debaser (to you guys only)
The Shins - We Will Become Silhouettes; Zero 7 - Distractions; Audioslave - Shadow on the Sun
Creme Brulee
a. Eyes & Lips b. Lips & Skin
No comment
T-shirt, jeans & retro Adidas
Computer Arts; One Small Seed; Creative Review
Slouching
Open plan white loft with wooden floors. Clean minimalist leather furniture. Floor to ceiling windows. Warm interior lighting and fireplace.
Undecided - I'm quite a withdrawn person

On a Work in Progress

2006-04-03T03:44:00.000+02:00

On an Old Discovery with New Appeal

2006-03-28T11:03:00.000+02:00

Visit Kurt Halsey Frederiksen.

On the Development of My Portolio Site Continued

2006-03-23T03:40:00.000+02:00

First photographic project from last year.

On the Development of My Portolio Site

2006-03-22T02:45:00.000+02:00

It might take a little long to load...
Here are some Polaroids I took in London Circa 2003.

On Thirty One Flavours of Sublime

2006-03-21T19:59:00.000+02:00

Tiny claps draw me from my thoughts. I still find it strange to forget the most of my time at the wheel. It's as though everything between the start and end is sun-bleached and forgotten. In these moments I'm less experiencing and more reacting until the quiet hollow claps pull me into the present.

I can see the harsh shadows cast on the road. Together they resemble my car. They stay with me on the road and I feel the sun on my shoulder as it peeps in under through my windows. I can feel it looking at me. Which makes the faint, droning smacks seem all-the-more fantastic.

The windscreen is becoming crowded. I begin focussing on the windscreen itself instead of what's behind it. I push down on the stalk and the wipers bring the distance into focus. I become aware that I'm chasing a rainbow. I drive along gaping at the sight framed by windshield before slowing to stop at the traffic light. At this point I find that I'm holding my breath.

This continues for five more blocks before I find that the rainbow has disappeared. I'm not conscious of how it happened or how long ago. I start looking around, dipping my head, stretching my neck and peering in my mirrors trying to glimpse the layers of sunny hues. It takes me a while to realise that I am inside the rainbow. No pot of gold, no Leprechaun's. I'm content in the idea that I've captured the improbable and I drive on stealing glances at the spires of sunlight seeping through the clouds. The way the sky looks more neopolitan than it does vanilla only it has no chocolate while cranberry has replaced its strawberry.

On Nordic Faux-Rock and Better Times

2006-03-19T10:30:00.000+02:00

Nothing brings down a mood like waiting an hour in traffic, 40 minutes in line to get into a venue, another hour for drinks (non-alcoholic because the beer line was 3 hours long) and watching third-rate MC's talking up a mediocre musical event with average performers as though it were 1969 and we were in Woodstock.

Coca-cola really fucked-up the Colab on Saturday. Expecting 45 000 people and catering to maybe 20 000. I heard rumours that Green Day and The Foo Fighters won the bid to headline the "festival" but the organisers looked at the figures for CD sales and A Simple Plan, The Rasmus and Metallica outsold GD & The Foo's.

I would be far more angry about paying R400 for a ticket if I had only bought it this month. It turns out that I bought it a month ago and I'm over it already.

Highlights are as follows:

Understanding why I hate H.I.M. after watching The Rasmus - both are pop posing as metal.
The presence of Tuks FM at a 5FM event including a Tuks FM blimp and a banner that reads" 5FM reasons to listen to Tuks FM:

Kevin not so Fine
Nicole not so Foxy
Zuraida Sardine
Ian F*@#
Gareth go-jump-off-a-Cliff

The only good performances of the event: Seether and Collective Soul
Collective Soul frontman Ed Roland screaming "Sing it Johannesburg" to People in Centurion... Pretoria
Being approached by a guy at the Electronica stage who wanted to know if I knew "where to organise pills"
Driving home to Zero 7

Disclaimer: Metallica probably do have talent when it comes to playing music but I just don't see the merit in how they do it. It's just not how I would classify "creativityoh". I did enjoy myself and I would have kicked myself if I had missed it but I would still have Pukkel-Pop 2003 to fall back on. Granted, I would have gone to see Zero 7 had I known they were there (listed as Lucky 7 on the programme).

On the Disintegration of the Family Unit and Responsibility Thereof

2006-03-15T08:16:00.000+02:00

I'm on my way home. I'm tired and I'm annoyed by this stop. It's necessary but wholly inconvenient. "Why can't cars run on air?" I think to myself, "Or pollution? Or the bullshit that most people are satisfied with saying? Imagine driving around with a microphone antenna that soaks up society's hot air and propels the car you're in.

It's an interesting notion but until that day arrives, we're stuck with internal combustion and petrol stations. And we're stuck with petrol attendants. These men (and often women) perform a service to lazy South Africans that isn't performed anywhere in Europe or the States. Much like grocery packers, these people perform tasks that privelleged South Africans are accustomed to and - in most cases - take for granted.

Growing up, I was always suspicious of these people that would "cheat us" if we weren't careful. I picked up the habit of checking the reading on the petrol pump before paying my money. This stereotype was supported by an episode of Carte Blanche I saw where two petrol pump attendants filled a black bin with petrol and carted it away - presumably to sell at a higher price privately. And while I think that tolerance of criminals and - I'd venture to say - anti-social behaviour is something that preys on society's tolerance, I believe that anyone that hasn't been in that position is far too quick to judge these people for their actions.

Marx's class distinctions are at their clearest here. These distinctions are all the more distinct between races although they are not exclusively racial distinctions. I don't see the black super elite helping to create a stable black middle class. I don't see the white middle class helping the white lower class. I have also seen white petrol attendants and the incidents of white beggars is on the rise too.

In my frequent visits to the petrol station, I have not a single lasting mental image of a petrol attendant. These people became a blur; melting from one into the next until they became a single person that exists to serve me. I would like to make a point that I (as a minority of a minority in my view) am against racism. I believe myself to be just as valuable as the guy standing on the street with a piece of cardboard announcing the misfortunes of his/her life.

Aside over, I see now how the constant repetition of these experiences and my disinterest in them have made everyone of these attendants a copy of a copy of a copy until they were just the same transparent tool that I used every now and then.

The invisibility that these individuals seem to embody stems from this. These people are sometimes less noticeable than the guy holding up the piece of cardboard. This seems almost impossible but at least in my own experience it seems to be true.

This problem was highlighted after I found out about one of the station attendants on only the second day of shooting for this project. Even so, all that I found out was that Reuben had a family that lives in Hammanskraal. I have thought about my own fragmented sense of family before and I can only imagine how it must feel to be away from them for such prolonged periods of time. Missing holidays, having minimal contact and influence, being under so much pressure to support them.

The majority of the attendants that have helped me have been polite, friendly, helpful and honest. These people that are at a disadvantage - but more advantaged than the majority of this country - and that often times live far from their families in order to make money and support these families. It amazes me that so many cases occur where such a low percentage of people are answerable for such a high percentage. I mean, at least these people are doing something about it. Right?

Of Light and Shadow

2006-03-10T01:08:00.000+02:00

On the Reason for my Truancy

2006-03-05T10:49:00.000+02:00

Rebranded Zambuk tin.

Dust jacket.

Bag image.

These are the images that need no explanation and look good when taken out of context.

Greatest View from Here

2006-02-19T07:34:00.000+02:00

Half-priced Table Mountain.

On Miscellany

2006-02-15T09:51:00.000+02:00

The trouble with girls is, if they like a boy, no matter how big a bastard he
is, they'll say he has an inferiority complex, and if they don't like him, no
matter how nice a guy he is, or how big an inferiority complex he has, they'll
say he's conceited. Even smart girls do it.

- Holden Caulfield

I'm physically sick, missing my deadlines, inspirationally willing, practically stunted and obsessively disinterested. At least I still have all of my teeth.

OnMidafternoonInebriationBrusheswithPromiscuityandGoingAWOL

2006-02-06T09:42:00.000+02:00

I arrived back in Pretoria a fortnight early and a set of headphones lighter. My sister picks me up and she says that she's late picking up her significant other. We pull into the shopping centre parking lot and I wait half an hour before the other party emerges from work instead of making a 5 minute detour to drop me off and in-so-doing making me late myself.

I pick up my car keys and my DVD collection and head out to a place that Steve's houseitting. Countless games of NHL later we fire up Army of Darkness. The next night is Tings an' Times where we stumble onto the idea of roadtripping. Drive out to Richards Bay take a swim in the Indian and drive back in time for Christmas. It's set for Thursday.

Thursdayarrivesandwe'vehadverylittlesleeppackedourstuffandchangedthedestinationtoBallito
Bjorn'sdrivinghisunclesA-classandSean'ssittingshotgunThere'sFooFightersplayingandwedrive
pastacarlyingonitsroofinafieldVanReenenspassisclearandwemakeabettoseewhocanseetheocean
firstIwinmyselfthreebeersandStevechangesthemusicWegettoUmhlangaat12:00andI'mdrunk
by14:00soImakeusfindaKFCandIorderforeveryoneinthelineOurmealarrivesandI'msurethat
"Ididn'tf*@kingorderthis"HeadingbacktoPorky'sIclimbintoaRussianBeartruckparkedoutside
thebottlestoreandmakefriendswithThembaandBonganiIheadtothebathroom40minuteslater
BjornfindsmeandImakesurethatweleaveIMMEDIAELYWe'rebackinthecarandweshootoverto
BallitoTakeaduskswimandIsoberupWechangeinthestreetforthepartyatBoston'sTherearethree
roundsofdrinksbeforeSteveandImolestthedancepoleonstageImeetTori(realnameVictoria)inthe
queueandchatuntilshewalksawaybecauseIforgethernameIrememberhernameandIleaveher
withanapologydrinkWedancesomemoreuntilTorifindsmeandwefindsomeseatsPlentyofdrinks
leadstothebathroomandIlearnthatBoston'sdoesn'thaveacondommachinesoit'sgoodbyetoTori
MeanwhileBjornSteveandSeanhavegoneacrossthestreetandleftmeatBoston'stogoacrossthe
streetWecallitanightanddriveourmobiletenttoLaMontagne'sparkinglotSeansays"We'vestillgot
thisbottleofStRaphael"Isay"Let'stakeittothebeach"Stevesays"Sure"locksthecarandgoestosleep
SeanandIemptythebottleandreminisceWegetbacktothecarandIwakeupwithSeansheadinmylap
myheadfeelslikecottonwoolandit'sbrightenoughttoblindamoleOnthewaytoShopriteStevetells
meabouthowwhenwegotbacktothecarSeandecidedtotakeamidnight(notrealtime)runthrough
theKZNstreetsIbuytheclosestpairofsunglassesanda2lIronBrewMyMomcallsme"Whereareyou?"
shesays"We'reinBallito"Isay"Areyoudrunk?Howlongareyoustaying?"Sheasks"Twonights"
Ireply"Youguysaremad"SheendsWebrunchatLaMontagne'spoolareaandappreciatethetwo-
leggedscenerybeforethedrivebacktoUmhlangaEnRoutewefindalovelyResidentsOnlybeach
andpretendtobeverypalelocalsMyneckisstillsorefromthetinysleepingareawhenwefinallygetto
UmhlangaWemeetfriendsatUmhlangaSandsanddecidetogotothestreetpartyThestreetpartyis
abustbutSeanwinsaG-stringthenweendupatapubthemusicisterriblebutthecompanyisgoodso
weleaveafterlastroundsSomejuvenilestuntswithashopingtrolleyearnmesomenewscarsandthe
nextstopistheA-ClassintheSandsparkinglotI'mspread-eagledinthepassengerseatBjornhasthe
G-stringonhisheadandSean'sfoundSteve'slapwhentwooldladiesfindusthenextmorningTheone
saystotheother"ShameDoyouthinktheseboysslepouthere"Stevewithhiseyesstillclosedsays
"YesMa'amwedid"TheyshaketheirheadsandwalkawayMydigitalcamerafindsitselfanewhome
andweprepareforthedrivehomeMyneckisstillkillingmewhenBjorn'sunclecallstofindoutwhere
heis"I'llcallyoubackwhenwegetbacktoPretoria"saysBjorn.

Interval III: Of the Bane that is the Automobile

2006-01-19T00:19:00.000+02:00

Partly because the camels favourite straw has today landed on my back, and partly because it takes too much effort to make these things sound eloquent (as the previous post is testament to) I've decided to take a breather from the regularly scheduled update to bitch and whine about my privelleged, middle-class existence - along the lines of a Chuck Palahniuk quote: Things you own end up owning you.

My digital camera was eaten up by an A-class Mercedes that doubled as a B&B to four guys visiting the north coast (watch for the sequel to The Fairest Cape coming soon enough damn it!). Last week the Mazda's petrol cap mysteriously went missing and I used the ancient BMW until I bought a replacement later on the same day. I leave the headlights on at Varsity and have to wait for Campus Security's assistance - except the guy drives past me and I have to wait 20 minutes longer in the rain before I am helped on my way. I buy the petrol cap and forget the BMW outside in the driveway.

The Stepdad arrives home to tell me that the BMW's doors and boot are standing open. The radio, speakers and amp have all been jacked after the driverside doorlock has been damaged during the break in. Since the car has been put up for sale that day (I motion to refer to "Fate" as "that miserable bastard" from here on out) as that miserable bastard would have it, I need to have the lock repaired and replace the radio and speakers.

This week I decided to put that all behind me. I wake up after an eventful farewell for Andy (where a number of incidents occurred among a number of people that have no reason to think favourably of me) to find a substance - which could be alcohol but seems suspiciously like urine - splashed all over the bonnet of the Mazda. No problem, the gardener took care of that - again at my expense.

I get very good mileage (what is that in metric? kilometerage, meterage [your abstract prefix here]-age) and my petrol tank indicator is slightly suspect (there is no reserve light; when the tank is full the needle reads past the full indicator; when the car is switched off, the needle reads past the empty indicator) so that miserable bastard decides that today I run out of fuel on my way to work. My lovely mother brings me some fuel and the car won't start. I say "let's give it a minute to settle". She says "I'll call the AA". It turns out that a coil (don't ask me) seems to be misbehaving and needs to be replaced. If I had to work after the flatbed truck tow-in I think some disciplinary action would have been warranted.

Next hot-air expulsion likely to cause a warm front can be expected upon me receiving marks for the first varsity assignment that I absolutely know will be under-appreciated...
Rant concluded.

Fairest Cape Vol.I Pt.II: On Being Pale and Drinking Tea

2006-01-16T11:11:00.000+02:00

Relief fills me as I leave the uneasy company of a person that has at a time meant more than comfort and safety to me. I let myself think about it and then choose to ignore the gloom it evokes. The commune of "hi-friends" is less awkward and I let myself be less aware.

Not used to being the first person awake, I make tea and bide my time before we find breakfast. The beach is the next stop and I buy a pair of slops. People put their sunglasses on as I take my shirt off on one of the Clifton's and we sit watching the women working on their full-body tans. The wind picks up and we move out to Beta beach. No-one is around to don their sunglasses this time around and the cold water begins to sting my feet. One visits the rocks on the waters edge, another sits in the shade and her brother loses himself in search of seashells. The sky absorbs me into the recurring erosion of clouds that erupt from it at violent regularity.

A stop for ginger beer and fireballs on the way to the bottle store before drinking games and a short walk to Green Man for dancing. Few people. Terrible music. Much fun. My feet sting again, but this time it's from fatigue and I find myself a seat to doze in. The brother wakes me for BP pies and the walk home. It's now that I learn that despite their appearance, Cape Town's street signs can support my weight.

More tea in the morning and more Vonnegut. Today is slow and quiet. Tonight is home-made Thai green curry. Tomorrow is the move to another bed.

Fairest Cape Vol.I Pt.I: On Plans, the Landscape and Unwelcome Sensations

2006-01-10T10:38:00.000+02:00

My approaching trip to Cape Town only begins to touch on my emotions on the evening before my flight out. An SMS arrives to tell me that my free accommodation is no longer available. I arrange a place to stay for a couple of nights after one of the five phonecalls I make is answered. The conversation goes: "Sure, it's not a problem. I'm here until Thursday. I am secure in my current relationship and you can sleep in my sister's bed. She's away."

My Mother tells me that I don't look excited. She asks me if I'm going to mope around for the whole time that I'm away. She makes me go out and buy a cross for my neck-chain. I just want to load up my MP3's. Cape Town's runway has just been repaired and there are many delayed flights. I listen to Portishead while waiting in line, in the waiting line.

Through the gate is a bus that takes five minutes to load and drive us a distance that would take forty seconds to walk. My hand luggage is stowed and I look out the window while I add 727 to the list of aircraft that I've flown on and wonder if there is a 717. The land speeds away in the other direction and I imagine that I'm standing still and that the world is moving around me. The land begins to drop away beneath me and the sky comes closer. I look through the window and I see how the churning, paper-white rapids of the clouds absorb the sun and how a dozen arrows of sunshine shoot through the clouds to be eaten away by the smog caught below.

This year's flight is free of babies and of Heineken so I decide to appreciate a small victory and order another Amstel. The flight over the Free State is the same as the drive through it so I read more Kurt Vonnegut. As we approach Cape Town, I look out of the window. The Earth of the escarpment is hard boulder with clumps of trees deposited like patches of moss across it. As the ground rises and the sky floats away, the mossy growths of litter clings to the sides of the Guguletu roads and pathways until we're at eyelevel with the slum apartments that ooze colour from each window like a fly through a fly-swat.

After another five minute bus ride I arrive, hair wind-tossed, at my pick-up. My smile lasts ten minutes until it sinks into a guilty knot in my stomach. The conversation goes: "I don't understand. Why are you staying until Thursday? I thought I was only a back-up plan. You'll just have to tag along." There is dinner and then there are drinks and there is a chaperone that sleeps in the sister's bed.

On Last Minute Catastrophe, Scotland and a Local Girl.

2005-12-06T11:00:00.000+02:00

My life functions in polar opposites. There is never anything happening until everything happens at once - like a cloud burst. "Gradually and then sunddenly".

We have an ADSL line at home. This is very helpful for downloading mindless amounts of data but since we have DSTV aswell, we were invited to try out the not-yet-released-to-market Multichoice and Telkom service of "Video-on-demand". Basically we stream videos across our ADSL line onto TV via a set-top-box. They contacted us months ago. Today they are installing the system and today I leave for Cape Town for a month.

My trip to Cape Town has been planned for at least a month and a half in advance - free accommodation, the only serious expenses being food and alcohol. Yesterday I am notified that Frank - who has been down for a week already - has been kicked out of the apartment. I am now homeless too. I make a few phonecalls and - one to an old girlfriend - and I managed to organise accommodation with hi-friends. Y'know, those acquaintances that you are friendly with but never seem to say much more than "hi" to each other.

One of my closest friends is leaving for Scotland today aswell. He and his girlfriend are working for Gas Electric and Telecommunication in Glasgow - for a year! His flight is two hours before mine and if I were to see him off from the airport I would either need to make a double trip or I would have to wait at the airport for four hours until my plane departs.

My season of dry-spells and flings seems to be ending now, but it's not all that simple either. The Scotland bound friend's girlfriend has a friend that I really get along with and that I'm attracted to. I'm told that she likes me alot but she is staying in Pretoria and I won't see her until I get back. It doesn't help that there is history there too. History between me and another friend of hers but it could get in the way nonetheless.

I wouldn't be going to Cape Town for so long had it not been for my Scotland bound friend. He and his girlfriend were set to come down with us. I was meant to drive down with them and they were going to leave before Christmas. I didn't want to be in Pretoria for New Years and so I opted to stay on with Frank until January 10. Two weeks before we're set to drive down, my friend is recruited to go overseas. By this time, I have already swapped out my shifts at Exclusive Books with some difficulty and I don't really want to cause any more trouble.

I'll be okay. I travelled Europe on my own, I think I'll do fine in the Western Cape.

On Exams, Time and a Small List of Things to Pack

2005-11-25T10:36:00.000+02:00

I slept off my hangover. Was only woken up once. A phonecall and multiple sms's. I joined up to ABSA's cellphone banking and I was surprised to find that I have extra money to burn. Today was payday and it turns out that last month was a very good month for me.

I have passed all of my subjects. It sounds pretentious but I wasn't all that surprised. I stressed a lot less than I did at the same time last year.

My grasp on the concept of time is very thin right now. I set my wristwatch and my lovely cellphone ahead by 10 minutes so that I don't run late. My P.C. is five minutes ahead for some reason. And my car clock and radio clock are totally wrong because I had to hotwire my car the other day when the immobilizer decided not to work. I think only the PSP has the correct time. Technology is so seductive but it really just complicates things more.

I'm really looking forward to my month in Cape Town. Note to self: remember to pack lots of film and many new books.

On Miscellany

2005-11-22T06:33:00.000+02:00

I can only imagine how confusing going home is for people that stay in a res' or a commune. Making a "home" with new friends and new sets of responsibilities - more likely a lack of them. You leave at the end of a semester or over a long weekend and your old house doesn't feel like home anymore, you realize that you've outgrown the things you used to do or feel when you get there.

It sad when you stay in the same city - or large town in Pretoria's case - and these people that you study with and grow with all leave. I wonder which is the most confusing/upsetting.

I have been through this situation wherein many statements were made, many actions were taken and many promises were made and broken on both sides. This situation doesn't affect me as much as it did but I still find myself antagonized by certain things.

I feel compelled to call out things as being false because I think that they are blatantly apparent but I seem to be alone in that. I just feel like I've dealt with enough without having to accept any more half-truths. They don't seem to stop either. How am I supposed to deal when credibility is disregarded?

On Myself and Things Related to Me

2005-11-20T00:56:00.000+02:00

Ah. My exams are done. At least until I find out if I have any supplemenary exams. I feel like things went well. Marketing is still up in the air. That's what happens when you don't attend classes for the semester and then have 17 chapters to learn for the exam.

Last night was my last exam and I had a 21st directly afterward. Went to work with a hangover and had another 21st directly afterward. Another shift with a headache is nothing considering the relief of being finished with second year.

I am considering sending in applications for the Laugh It Off Annual 2005 as well as another annual specifically for Tuks Design and Fine Arts work.

I'm really looking forward to my impending trip to Cape Town.

A friend of mine writes articles for Pretoria News. His assignments involve investigating the effects of tourism on the twonships and such. He told me that the newspaper rarely has any photographers available to accompany him to the townships and he pretty much offered me the job. Hopefully I'll have some credits in the Capitals most widely read newspaper soon.

On remorse

2005-11-08T09:37:00.000+02:00

My Grandfather passed away this morning. On Sunday he had a stroke and was stabilised. His condition deteriorated and today he died. I can't tell you the details. He will be buried on Thursday and I'm to be a pall-bearer. Something I'm farmiliar with.

I think I have a fragmented concept of family at this point. Both of my parents worked while I was growing up. It has been hard to feel much about anyone. I lived in the UK with a Cousin that became a dear friend. I did miss my Mom and I was occasionally sad about my grandparents - mostly because I was too young to get to know them properly. The only family I see semi-regulary is my Grandmother on my Mom's side and - less often - my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin.

The Grandfather that just passed was on my Father's side. My parents are both remarried. I was torn up by their split but it was clear that it was not my fault and that neither of them loved me any less. I don't see my Father's side of the family anymore. It's not intentional, we just run in different circles. It's a strange way to put it but nobody intends to become estranged.

My Dad has been visiting for the last three weeks. In a way, the passing couldn't have happened at a better time. When his Mother passed, he couldn't make the trip out. He prepared a eulogy for her and I read it at the ceremony. It was well written. I'm better at speaking someone elses words than my own. I was too quiet on the day. I seem to think that if I can hear myself, then everyone else can too. It was decided that copies of the speech were to be made and handed out to whomever was interested.

After that, my Maternal Grandfather succumbed to lymphoma. We used to live next door to my Grandparents and my Aunt. He was bed-ridden and cared for at home. I couldn't bear to be around near the end. It was long and ugly. Shouldn't it be though? Birth certainly is!

I recall a day that the Greek Orthodox Bishop was to visit. My Grandad wanted to be presentable and since my Gran had never shaved a face before I was charged with the task. I frothed up the soap and used the disposable as neatly and carefully as I could. It was humbling: sitting there in my school uniform, wiping off the extra soap.

I put another another person in the ground. A person that was responsible for my existence. A person that moulded the person that moulded me. I was part of something amazing at the time. Something that shaped me more and more as I got to know her and she was both my escape and my saviour on that day. All I know is that there is no going back for anyone.

Ah, Marketing.

2005-11-07T11:17:00.000+02:00

Anni wrote a post which touched on something I have been sporadically mulling over. The idea of signs, if they exist, should they be believed and what they could mean. I tried to express my point of view in a comment but it was a little one-dimensional.

Today, I'm trying to catch up on my Marketing studies and I come across a section that added a bit of depth to what I meant. It has to do with related selectivity and how it affects consumer perception. Don't leave yet, I'm not ranting about marketing. The same priciples are relevant to the idea that signs are trying to tell us something. As an example, I'll take a person that has ended a long-term relationship (since I'm a guy, we'll make this person a guy).

Selective exposure says that a person's beliefs influence what they choose to experience. Our singleton now associates what he experience in a film, tv-programme or song to be relevant to his situation. What he doesn't understand is that anything outside of this belief (his situation) is unnoticed or ignored outright. The reason that these signs appear to him is that he subconsciously seeks out this type of sign. He might: see the same type of car that his former love interest drives or see his and her name pop up in the titles of a movie.

Similarly, selective attention says that he'll be more aware of information that supports his decisions and ignore the information that contradicts it. If he is considering going back to her he'll ignore her new love interest's name when it comes up in the titles of the same movie.

Selective retention is the way that we remember information that is relevant and forget the rest. This can explain how a person will idealise a relationship once it is over, or opposite to that, demonise the same relationship depending on their beliefs. Our guy will possibly decide that that he was responsible for pushing her away. He could also think the girl is a slut and that she didn't care for him because she cheated on him. Either way, what he remembers about the relationship will be influenced by what he believes.

Like I said in my comment, I think that signs are subjective in that we only see what we want to. I think that coincidences are more founded than signs. I have no complete philosophies on coincidences but if one comes up, I'll be sure to bore you with it too.

I, SpaceMonkey

2005-10-27T11:35:00.000+02:00

Soffy, this one's for you. While living abroad, I saw a handwritten notice in Waterstones that announced a visit to the branch by none other than the original Space Monkey himself, Chuck "don't-call-me-Charles" Palahniuk. I bunked work for a bit and headed off to Waterstones on the day in question.

This is from my copy of Fight Club which came free with DVD Magazine that featured the movie on the cover. I contemplated stealing it from CNA - which would have lent my owning it more authenticity in a way - but bought it instead.

Standing in line to meet him, we were asked to write down any personalized message to save time while he was signing our books. He was on tour to promote the newly released Diary. I took along Survivor (his poorest in my opinion) and Lullaby and after he signed the three I showed him what I wanted written in Fight Club. He was amused.

He was soft-spoken and gentle. I think it was more discomfort than shyness. I don't think he enjoyed this type of public obligation. We chatted and I asked if people greet him like they do Ed Norton in the film. I don't think I was all that clear because he seemed very confused about it. I changed the subject and asked him if he'd ever been to South Africa. He told me that he visited a number of times. It turns out that his brother lives/lived (can't remember which) in Durban because of his work.

...I'm so impressed that you hear my inventions, and that it matters more than what you saw with your eyes...

2005-10-22T01:46:00.001+02:00

This burnout has been threatening to char me for a while now. The end of a relationship introduced me to the bottom of many bottles and then to a nightclub floor. The floor came out on top and left me with more than a hangover. I haven't applied myself to my work like I'd like to have.

This hit me hard when our end-of-year exhibition opened this week and I only had two pieces on display - one of which was a group project. I'm disappointed even though I have had a terrible year. I let things interfere when I knew that they shouldn't and now regret that they did and even more so that I let them.

All I can do to weather the thunderstorm in my stomach is to steel myself in preparation for next year. A close friend and classmate of mine and I have made a pact to support and push each other in the new year. I am sitting on too much of my ambition and it's making my ass numb.

More as an echo of Soffy's last comment than as an outright reply: on my way home tonight I was thinking what it would be like to personally know the people that visit Divination - if we lived in the same city and met up. I'm in two minds as to whether I'd really get along with anyone or whether we'd have an interesting conversation and then have trouble trying to strike up another one at another time - which seems to fuel my self-fulfilling prophecy of being misuderstood (AKA: the human condition).

Current Soundtrack: Kissing the Lipless by The Shins

...You Faded Jewel, You Diamond In The Rough...

2005-10-16T01:05:00.000+02:00

I never could understand what Snow was saying as he sang Informer. I arrived home, flipped onto MTV and So 90's was just winding up. So for all of Snow's Jamaican lyrics there are "translated" English lyrics scrolling across the screen. And at one point he says "where they whip down me pants and look up me bottom". I packed up laughing...

I change to cartoon network where Sheep in the Big City is midway through the token time-machine episode when General Specific and Private Public arrive at the moment when a Cristopher Columbus-alike lands on the shores of the "New World". The guy's supposed to be Spanish but he talks with this terrible Italian accent. O.K. GET IT RIGHT: just because the "romantic languages" - French, Italian, Spanish and Portugese - all evolved from Latin doesn't make all of the people who speak said languages Latin. The phrase Latino annoys me to no end.

At which point I decide to fall asleep to a mind-nubming movie after posting this ramble.

Unplanned Speculation

2005-10-11T08:04:00.000+02:00

Thanks for the comment Slop. It really made me think. I was going to post this as a comment but it took on a life of it's own:

Slop said (re: my PSP):
wow. I want one. Although I wonder if it would survive apple coming out with a video iPod?

I decided on getting the Nano for precisely that reason, the Video enabled iPod. I was originally saving up for the 60Gig.

When the Nano was released I thought that it's a better option since I don't really enjoy randomly hearing tracks from my library. I'd rather have a small selection of songs that I feel like hearing and shuffle through them. My cousin bought the 30Gig iPod without the clickwheel and two weeks later, the 40Gig was released. So if I'm getting a big boy, it's gonna play video.

As for it being released tomorrow. I'd really like that except I'm sceptical. Why would they release it so close after the Nano? It just doesn't make sense to me. It'd be like Nintendo introducing the GBA and the DS in the same week.

Unless like you say Apple releases an online OS update for all colour iPods. But that'll mean another iTunes update within a month. Which now that I think about it, probably makes sense since v 5.0 was pretty lacklustre in it's new features so maybe the update to it would be some small trigger that enables all of the hidden video features already present.

Hmmm, come to think of it, I'm not so sure of anything right now. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

My li'l Friend

2005-10-09T07:06:00.000+02:00

This is a really late birthday gift. The screen had a dead pixel and I was expecting a bit of trouble when I went to exchange it. The Hi-Fi Corp. guys were very helpful and I exchanged it for a spanking new one.

The screen is incredible. Despite it's small size, it has higher-than-T.V. resolution . I'm using it as an MP3 player at the moment since my MiniDisk player coughed it's last portable-audio breath. Unfortunately I can only load 20 songs onto it at the moment but it's an excellent substitute until the iPod arrives.

Said Matthew to resounding sighs of "What a freak".

Interval II: I like Pie

2005-10-07T00:12:00.000+02:00

Just watched The Harvard Man. That was quite an experience. Apart from freaking me out about LSD and regardless of the poor technical aspects of the film, I was really intrigued by all the philosophy they went into. From time to time, I watch a film and it really strikes a chord of sorts with me. The sad thing is - like the Romantics found out - no amount of revisiting it can induce the same feeling of the sublime as the original experience did.

I get that with music that I love, films that I see and things I do. In simple terms, nothing is ever as good as the first time you try it. This might add some insight into addictive behaviour beyond the physical dependency - come to think of it, this may be the reason excitement over porn fades so quickly. It seems a lot like a yearning that tends towards a spiritual dependency. A need to feel that same feeling no matter how you find it. I'm not at all agreeing with the addict's use of this philosophy but I can understand the point of view.

I'm sorry if this is rambling. It's moments like this that inspired me to start Divination - although at the rate I'm going, Procrastination is a more fitting title.

Sleepy-time

2005-10-06T00:43:00.000+02:00

I say it everytime this happens - I really need to be more proactive and keep my assignments and tests from building up like this. I can't remember what well rested feels like and caffeine will only carry me so far.

Allegorical-like

2005-10-04T08:16:00.000+02:00

Current Soundtrack: Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine.

How do you know which words in a title are written with a capital letter?

Madness

2005-10-01T22:51:00.000+02:00

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/050930/152/ftd7d.html

Scary.

Palahniuk-cum-Orwell

2005-09-30T23:17:00.000+02:00

I wonder if chickens know that we eat their eggs. If they do, I wonder what they think about it. It's all rather disgusting if you really do think about it.

Say, for instance, we weren't at the top of the food chain. What then? Would we be herded together in people-pens? Would new mothers be milked or would their abortions be fried "sunny side up"? Would they feed us all the left over bits of other people that they don't enjoy eating themselves? I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say that armpit, crotch and crack don't sound that appetising - then again there's different strokes for different folks.

Just some thoughts I had making lunch this afternoon. I'm digesting it just fine in case anyone is wondering...

Egotism

2005-09-27T22:29:00.000+02:00

My blog is always slow to update posts and my messengers are always delayed. I hate this. Technology is my enemy at the moment...

Me, me, me...
...mine, mine, mine...
...wish I had better things to write about.

Dog Tired

2005-09-27T17:05:00.000+02:00

This is slightly different to th original image. I don't yet have a portfolio sight so this is my way of inflating my ego until I do :o/

Don't worry, he's only sleeping.

Village Spared From Deadly Storm

2005-09-26T18:02:00.000+02:00

It has been threatening to rain the entire day today. We've had hot weather over the last week and it finally looked as though today was bringing some relief. I misread my work roster and ended up driving out for no reason. Since I was already there - and since I've finished Chuck's new book - I decided to borrow The Catcher in the Rye.*

I stopped by Hi-Fi Corporation to find out when they expected to receive iPod Nano stock. The guy behind the counter didn't know what he was talking about and told me that they expected "both the 1GB and 2GB models in three weeks time". I checked out the PSP and decided that I am a heavyweight consumer because it's takes priority over the books and DVD's on my wanted list.

So I'm on my way home when my car is assaulted by a hectic dirt-devil that slows the traffic while everyone flicks on their hazard lights. It was weird man! After getting through that, Mother Nature taunts me with a few, staggered drops of drizzle. Then the wench thinks it's funny to start a shower right as I pull into my yard and stops it when I reach the door.

*I'm not sure if this means I'll end up assassinating Rob Mugabe

My Bleeding Heart

2005-09-26T15:23:00.000+02:00

Debaser's Political Profile

Overall: 35% Conservative, 65% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

Current Soundtrack: Beautiful Nature by Finley Quaye

Lactose Rabbit

2005-09-19T00:17:00.000+02:00

It doesn't really capture the cheese-bunny in the moon but i like this none the less. It took a lot to keep the cam still enough for this.

Pretentious Much?

2005-09-17T23:24:00.000+02:00

When it comes to making connections, I've been going through a bit of a dry spell until recently. I really enjoy good conversation and I miss it when I don't have it for a while. I was at a 21st and met this girl that I could relate really well to. There were connections on a lot of levels. The problem is that she lives in Stellenbosch.

This is one of the first things I learnt when we were introduced. Why is it that I'm more at ease when they know the outcome of something? Would we have got along as well had I not known that it wouldn't go anywhere?

I'm still juggling two major projects while training at Exclusive Books.

Current Soundtrack: Caring Is Creepy by The Shins

Practice It

2005-09-13T14:31:00.000+02:00

Never Thought I'd See The Day

2005-09-07T00:49:00.000+02:00

It's so ridiculous. We went to see The Wedding Crashers earlier today and I've fallen in love with Rachel McAdams. Ridiculous. I'm not the type of person that gets excited by celebrity. I'm the guy that was more excited about the Jaguar F1 car than Arnold et al ath the T3 London premier.

I know, I already said it was ridiculous. Twice.

I think this has been building up since The Notebook. It looks as though I'm painting myself in a very girly hue at the moment.

I can say that Scarlett Johansson's got some stiff competition. Enough with the sad stalkerness...

Worn Out Soles

2005-08-28T19:14:00.000+02:00

From time to time Blogger drags its heels when I publish posts. I published new posts to both Divination and What Once Was and none appears on the site as yet.

In the unlikely case that someone was to get agitated at my lack of updates, I suggest that they check my archive. Sometimes the following month’s new posts show up there.

Sweet Cynicism

2005-08-28T18:35:00.000+02:00

I’ve used the “my-hand-has-been-injured-please-treat-me-special” card a couple of times. Only now I have two assignments due on Tuesday and I’m five days behind on conceptualising and image generating for the screen-printing project I mentioned previously.

I realise more and more that I really don’t understand people. When I was younger my friends and I would have some intriguing conversations and it would be quite profound at the time. I don’t know if: I’ve lost that facet of my personality; I’ve outgrown the “wisdom” I used to have; or my idealist soul is caramelising into relativism by way of my cynicism – not to say that relativism is sweet in any way.

Maybe I’ve just been jaded.

Current Soundtrack: Crawling by Scapegoat Wax

Post-Surgery

2005-08-24T18:34:00.000+02:00

The nerve damage I feared turned out to be a severed tendon - Flexus Polucus Longus of the left thumb. It was successfully reattached on the 11th. I did have nerve damage to my palm, the extent of which caused a numb spot the size of a R2 coin.

The blood stains on my carpet are a thing of the past, I have extensions for two of my assignments and one of my classmates will have to clean my silkscreen and handle the heavy lifting for me for the next two weeks. This is more frustrating than liberating since people tend not to care about things that don't concern them. Needless to say my screen is still dirty.

Serves me right I suppose. Everybody raise your glasses to the four months of Physiotherapy lurking in the wings.

Luckily It's The Lefty

2005-08-06T18:43:00.000+02:00

1 night out
1 broken tumbler
1/2 cup of blood lost
17 stitches
8 hours sleep
1 class missed

My thumb has a very limited range of movement. I'm hoping it's not nerve damage.
Have you ever tried to tie shoelaces with one hand?

And It Ends With A Whimper

2005-08-03T21:25:00.000+02:00

Today has been as much fun as voice dubbing gay porn. Two tests, piles of illustration and sleep that lasted as less than average hetero' intercourse.

Alot has happened in my absence from Divination. The highlights include:

picking up a copy of the greatest album ever sold;
making an ape of myself at Franks 21st;
being offered work at Red Dot marketing company;
starting therapy;
taking dodgy rides at Gold Reef City - I thought I would die... seriously;
spent last saturday promoting 'Mrs Bean Curried Bean and Shreddded Beetroot salads' in Centurion;
spending money I'm trying to save for the elusive iPod; and
general procrastination

I'm looking for T.V. series downloads and I'd like to avoid spyware gushers like Ka-Zaa. Ed is being incredibly evasive - typical bowling-alley lawyer.

So, purely to end this how it began: I'm off to dream of nekkid, trapeze midgets and girls on trampolines...

Last Song

2005-07-20T19:57:00.000+02:00

This is the sound
The here and the now
You’ve got to talk to talk to talk to talk
To get it all out
I listen
But you’re out of tune
You’re so out of tune

This is the last song
That I will dedicate to you

Something I’ve found
Yeah, well I’m still around
You’ve got to walk to walk to walk to walk
To make any ground
You’re pushing
But there ain’t no room
No there ain’t no room

And yours is a name
I will never name again

We pretend
It doesn’t matter
We pretend it all away
We pretend
But it ain’t no use

-Foo Fighters The Last Song

What Once Was

2005-06-25T14:16:00.000+02:00

I'm fast becoming a long distance, late-blooming disciple of Amy Hempel. Visit this and you'll see where my latest influences lay.

I don't know for how long or even how often, but this is my new home.

Radio Silence

2005-05-16T17:53:00.000+02:00

I will be taking an absence from the blogosphere for an indefinite amount of time. It's purpose and usefulness have become neglegible for the time-being and I don't want to waste anymore time on than I already have.

Testing the Boundaries

2005-05-14T17:43:00.000+02:00

Anyone who has read the Coastal Chronicles will understand the boundaries of drunkenness. I think I've pushed myself as far as a six (even a six and a half) [EDIT actually it's more like a seven and a half]. I'm taking it easy for a while.

Wednesday is My 21st. I've booked a session at Gotcha on Saturday for paintballing. I've invited around 20 people so far and I'm expecting around ten more invites to go out. I want to have an after-party but I'm not quite sure on where yet.

Prophecy has taken a new direction and are no longer dealing in pure reviews and will instead function as a online store. Jian at The Cowblog Initiative has put a lot of himself into it and he has at least found a way to gain something out of it. Reading about what he had to deal with and what he's gained from it, I can't help feeling that I haven't been balancing my life out lately. I think that, although it remains a pretty high priority, Varsity work doesn't hold comfort. Hugh Grant's "I'm bloody Ibiza" comes to mind, but that's just me. Still, it was good to get a couple of reviews up on the site.

Untitled

2005-05-13T15:35:00.000+02:00

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the
left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in, proper
sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we
always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over
like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for
what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind
has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got
to walk away now
It's over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's
shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to
face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I
can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine
doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where
my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's
blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By
pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind
has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got
to walk away now
It's over

And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely
nothin'
Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms
around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so
she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not
gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever
and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall
down
You?re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls
away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and
she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks
back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her
mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes
mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've
got to walk away now
It's over

I know in the past I've
found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your
hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been
made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I
know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to
walk away now.

- "Dry Your Eyes" by The Streets

No pretences

2005-05-08T22:45:00.000+02:00

Had a do at Fabs' place last night. Really reconnected with my closest friends. It was a good time and inebriation had nothing to do with it. We headed off to Dacq's - it was dead, moved to Rhapsody's - we were the youngest people there, spent some time at News Cafe and then headed over to Boston Tea Party.

Found out today that it's difficult to be creative with Editorial designs. Type is a useful tool but it's never struck me as all that exciting. I mean I can work with it well but words don't inspire me that much. Damn good photos though.

I received an SMS today that moved me more than anything that anyone has ever said to me. I am in a very different place at the moment than I have been recently. It feels good to start taking control of things after letting it get away from me.

Coincidence

2005-05-07T01:51:00.000+02:00

Zeppelin's was a bust. Saw a stripper from last week at the place. Was quite a coincidence and rather funny but I don't really want to go into that...

Tigidi's was raided, I'm pretty happy that I stayed at Odds (Fabio lost a R30 cover charge - hehe). Had some fun and still had money left over afterwards which is very strange...

Don't have much to say, so I'll end it like so...

And now for something completely different

2005-05-06T20:02:00.000+02:00

Who lives in a trailer park under a tree?
Spongebob Jean-pant
Addicted and dirty and aggro is he
Spongebob Jean-pant
If white-trash hobo run-ins be something you wish
Spongebob Jean-pant
Then bum a ride and sponge off the rich
Spongebob Jean-pant

Reaquainted

2005-05-06T14:34:00.000+02:00

I've forgotten how fun nightclubs can be. Odds last night, Zeppelins tonight.

I had a photoshoot today with a girl that I know. We're busy with editorial design and our brief was to make a magazine cover, two-page spread and a competition leaflet based around someone on campus.

The shoot was a bit awkward and I felt a little lost - mainly owing to the fuzzy-head hangover I had. It went well though and I'm surprised by the photos that came from it. I think I could be onto something here: Matthew Hart, Fashion Photographer. Still, it helps to have a good subject.

Elusive Ambitions

2005-05-04T22:48:00.000+02:00

Any quasi-regular (I'd like to say avid, but who am I kidding) Divination visitor would know that I rarely put any personal or deeply emotional - and therefore either moving or just plain cringeworthy - content into my posts. Mainly because I know who the former-regular reader (Jian is putting a dent in her lead) and the circle of people who frequent this side-note in the massive compendium of the world wide web.

Regardless, I don't see why I should restrict myself. I also don't see why anyone should have any insight on me if they wouldn't take the time to talk to me.

The insomniac stopped dead and sheepishly found
that all relevance of what he thought that he had to say had suddenly dissipated
like his moist breath into the cold night...
And like that, he was
gone.

Zen-like-even

2005-05-02T23:04:00.000+02:00

Divination is currently enjoying a bout of positive emotions. This is a welcome and happy respite from the turmoil I've been involved in lately. We'll see it goes.

I've had this image uploaded for a while but I haven't got round to commenting.
Comment: Useless web-hosting pyramid scheme - I was half expecting a manifesto with guidelines on how to invade and defraud a country by toppling their government and installing a puppet one in it's place.
This flyer was stuck under my windscreen wiper at varsity (which reminds me, I should check if I've been using a capital or small "v" in my previous references to "varsity". Consistency and all). Also, check out the spelling of opportunity.

My P.C. must have developed an addiction to hanging. This is the 38th time since the end of February.
Comment: Get back on the wagon you dirty grey box.

Which sets me up nicely for this article.
Comment: Why God, why.

Drained

2005-05-01T01:17:00.000+02:00

Instant gratification or not, I can't stand this. I've made it clear that I would be happy with even 25% of what I'm willing to give back. My thoughts are running on overtime and I can't interpret what I'm getting bacek. I am so sure of this but you're leaving me without any idea of anything. At the risk of turning this page into a compilation album:

I find that I am shaking
From my head down to my feet
My hands are sweating so bad
And I can barely speak
I [spoke] between the lines
[You didn't] know what to think
[Now our roles have reversed]
It's a guessing game

Was it the face
Was it the pills
Was it the way that she just knew me
Was it the meaning behind every smile
I tried to walk
Look at me
Her eyes, they pierce right through me
But I don't care
As Long as I am here

I can't move 'cause I'm under her spell
Icannot breathe as a side-effect from this
I know that this will be the end of me
I can't move 'cause I'm under her spell
I cannot breathe as a side-effect from this
I don't care as long as I am here

My head's a mess
What a blur
But at the same time I am clearer
And I'm feeling so [stranded]
But I'm sure
Reaching out, reaching in
Wish I knew what you were [thinking]
I never [should] have let this go

I can't move 'cause I'm under her spell
I cannot breathe as a side-effect from this
I know that this will be the end of me
I can't move 'cause I'm under her spell
I cannot breathe as a side-effect from this
I don't care as long as I am [there]

- "As long as I am here" by Prime Circle, mostly.

Regrets

2005-04-27T17:27:00.000+02:00

Two weeks ago, I stopped by Jess's place on my way home from poker. We fought about the same bullshit and we decided to spend some time apart. I really thought that it would go smoother than it has.

While we were together I was often not around, neither physically nor mentally. This has finally caught up with me and I'm in a pretty dark place at the moment. We've spoken to and seen each other and I greatly regret how I often couldn't see the person that was right there with me. Even though I managed to exclude her from a large part of my life, I know now how much she has affected me and how much of my life she has become.

We had a big face-to-face session on Monday where so many of our issues came out and were resolved. I'm a person who places alot of value on honesty and on my word. It amazes me that despite running over these values with a big-rig, Jess still came to love me. I regret how now that I want to, even need to, show her how achingly much I love her and want to give to her, that my own word doesn't count for much.

One of my biggest regrets is that I've done some things that I was adamant I would never do. I appreciate that I've realised these things but I know that the cost of this is too high to describe.

We spent today together and worked out more issues. We went for lunch and had a great time together. I started to forget the pain. My outlook was very optimistic and things were so good. Considering the relationship emerging by the advantage taken on the rebound, my biggest fear is that it's all too late. It kills me.

P.S. Jess, I'm sorry about your car.

That sinking feeling

2005-04-27T11:33:00.000+02:00

I don't understand how a person can know and decide rationally not to do something because it's not the right thing to do at the time, and then reverse it despite this knowledge and knowingly throw themselves completely behind it.
[Edit: I'm talking about myself in this respect.]

Must be your skin I'm sinking in
must be for real cuz now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's gray
now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

if I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine

-"Glycerine" by Bush

Student Parking

2005-04-21T07:56:00.000+02:00

I have had a few automobile related incidents already this year. Nothing serious, just things that are out of the ordinary for me. The aspiring boy-racer in me has his outburst every now and again, but I consider myself to be very competant when it comes to driving. I'm cautious most of the time, courteous when I should be and bastard when it suits me.

The parking situation at varsity is a strange one. At the beginning of the year, all of the new students pitch up and commandeer all of the spaces. Granted much of this could be solved by more people car-pooling, but since not everyone lives together and not everyone has the same schedule, we'll have to suffer the consequences. Besides, midway into the year, the dropouts vacate their spaces and things carry on with a greater level of comfort.

What agitates me most, however, are the people who possess either no driving talent or no consideration. Those who park on the pavement will park skew enough will make it possible for only two vehicles to park in a three car space. I've often squeezed myself into a space and parked someone's door closed because the guy has positioned himself so badly. Even worse than that are the people who drop themselves in the middle of two bays (BMW's are unsurprisingly common often offenders). I've always toyed with the idea of writing a message with spit on their windows and pouring sand over it - I have too much respect to actually do it.

In student parking, there are aisle where cars are parked perpendicularly to the aisle. Rows of cars parked nose to nose. There is space between some of the aisles for a row of cars parked parallel to the aisle. Yesterday, like many times before, I parked just so. There is always space for the rest of the people to reverse out and be on their way. I did note a monsterously ugly Cheverolet parked across from me, but I knew there was enough space. Upon returning after lectures, I found all four of my tyres were let down. Luckily I have a small, cigarette-lighter compressor pump in my boot and I hooked it up. It took half an hour for all four tyres but I was pleased that it wasn't such a problem. While The tyres were inflating, a few people were also busy leaving. I was struck by how the Dutchmen would make their "funny" little comments and how English speakers would sumpathise. I found it interesting that one fat, dim-looking Afrikaaner who offered a lesson in parking, was parked at an almost right angle to the cars next to him. I was also witness to a misconception that power-steering makes a car turn more.

I'm drowning in assholes.

Inversely

2005-04-20T00:45:00.000+02:00

Just as I thought I found the perfect way to express myself, Beth Gibbons does it better:

I don't want to hurt you
For no reason have I but fear
And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of
But I'm guilty of fear

I'm sorry to remind
You but I'm scared of what we're creating
This life ain't fair
You don't get something for nothing, turn now
Mmmm gotta try a little harder

It could be sweet
Like a long forgotten dream
And we don't need them to cast the fate we have
Love don't always shine through

Cos I don't wanna lose
What we had last time your leaving this life ain't fair
You don't get something for nothing, turn now
Mmmm gotta try a little harderIt could be sweet.....

But the thoughts we try to deny
Take a toll upon our lives
We struggle on in depths of pride
Tangled up in single minds

Cos I don't wanna lose
What we had last time your leaving this life ain't fair
You don't get something for nothing, turn back
Mmmm gotta try a little harder

Cos I don't wanna lose
What we had last time your leaving this life ain't fair
You don't get something for nothing, turn back
Mmmm gotta try a little harder

It could be sweet

- "It Could Be Sweet" by Portishead

Conversely

2005-04-19T23:47:00.000+02:00

Despite the risk of apeing everyone else:

She wears her dress high
As high as she pulls her hat down low
She's seeking out the places those other people can't go
And hold her
And touched by the sea
She's walking on water when she walks in her sleep
She's dragging me through places I didn't want to be seen

She's a liar
As I am a thief
Because of you I came
Because of you I leave

I wanna know
I wanna know why the monsters that hurt you so
Don't look like those things that we battled so long ago
And I thought I did my part when I pulled you out of there
That night you left bruise marks on my wall

You are my liar
So I will be your thief
Because of you I came
Because of you I leave

Be calm, baby
We are home now

- "Thief" by Belly

On Things I'd Rather Not Leave Out Pt.V: [your prefix here]nation

2005-04-18T18:10:00.000+02:00

So it has boiled down to this...
I've been meaning to post about a number of things that I haven't brought myself round to doing:

Formula 1:
Great work Alonso.
Great work Red Bull (should still be Jaguar).
Do better BAR.
Ferrari - "keep doin' that thing you do" hehehe.

Haircut:
I wrote down to post about my haircut. Must have been big news at the time.

Holiday homework:
Assignment about Americanising original foreign films (Seven Samurai, Ringu, Dark Water) in order to steal identity blah, blah, blah...
Refining of a previous corporate identity project. Didn't happen.

International events:
Zimbabwean elections.
Another American school shooting.
Japanese oil-tanker fights off pirates.

Personals:
New photographic workshop at varsity - was supposed to post a photo but forgot which one I had in mind.
Uncle and cousin visit from Germany.
Designing websites for Johan's businesses.

Mostly, Snuggles is dearly missed.

There we go. Chest unloaded. Breathing easier.

On Things I'd Rather Not Leave Out Pt.IV: Condemnation

2005-04-18T17:37:00.000+02:00

Still during the varsity holidays - before things became busy but while I was still working on certain things - I bought Choke, the only Chuck Palahniuk missing from my collection (excluding the two not yet available in South Africa). With the exception of Survivor, it turned out like the rest of his books, entertaining and thought-provoking. I was struck by a passage that seemed to describe a similar point in my own life:

"I've defined myself, all my life, by what I was against. I fought against everything, but more and more I worry that I was never for anything. I can criticise and complain and judge everything, but what does that get me? Griping isn't the same as creating something. Rebelling isn't rebuilding. Ridiculing isn't replacing. We've taken the world apart but we have no idea what to do with the pieces. My generation , all of our making fun of things isn't making the world any better. We've spent so much time judging what other people have created that we've created very little of our own. We use criticism as a fake participation. It only looks as though we've accompished something. I've never contributed anything worthwhile to the world."

I have received the money from my work at varsity but I have yet to make a donation to the "Asian Tsunami©®" disaster. I am saving up for an iPod. This passage has pushed me to be a little more like Jess - empathetic to others (more than usual). I don't know how much it will help since the media's global "disaster of the week" slot has been taken up by the Pope's sad departure, but I will make a donation soon.

On Things I'd Rather Not Leave Out Pt.III: Alternation

2005-04-05T23:07:00.000+02:00

Tuesdays roll around and I am happy in the knowledge that I have a regular movie date with Jess. I am pleased to be able to watch a - usually - entertaining film and enjoy a drink, popcorn and great company and only pay R30 for the privilege. I am especially glad when I swipe my Ster-Kinekor membership card through the ticket-line machine and find that I've been given a complimentary ticket for having watch 10 movies.

This seems like a mundane and repetitive excercise but it makes me feel that everything is going well and I have the freedom to escape for a while. I was surprised when Ster-Kinekor decided to split it's cinemas up into Junction and Classic divisions. The former is affordable entertainment, the latter a more sophisticated experience. The Junction theatres offer movies at a flat rate of R14 meanwhile the Classic houses would charge full price except on Tuesdays where club members pay half price. Since the closest Junction theatre is in Sunnyside and the next closest is in Centurion, this alteration didn't affect our routine much.

Jess broke it to me that Nu Metro were instituting a flat rate of R12 per movie anyday at any venue, I was tempted by the choice. We visited the new Classic Ster-Kinekor complex and they had installed new preview LCD screens that loop the current and forthcoming attractions for the convenience of anyone waiting in the queue. I swipe my card because I am due for a free ticket. Except Ster-Kinekor has changed their '10 credits per comp ticket' system to a '10% of your purchase price to add up to a full price ticket' system. Movie Moolah they call it. I now have to see twice as many films in order to get a complimentary ticket.

On Things I'd Rather Not Leave Out Pt.II: Playnation

2005-04-03T22:19:00.000+02:00

Friday two weeks back I attended the first Prophecy reviewers meeting. I have been taken aboard as a PS2 and Gamecube reviewer. I was the only of the PS2 reviewers to attend the meeting and I subsequently got all of the games to review - and extra PC games aswell (none of which work on my truly-über-decked-out-P.C.). I thought that I'd be overwhelmed, but it has gone pretty well so far. The games that I received were the sort of quality you'd expect from third-party PS2 gamehouses, generally sub par, but the worst game, Altered Beast, was sadly from Sega. I mourned the irony.

There was a Tekken Tag competition at Varsity on Saturday. I went on my lonesome and sat there in a knot of anxiety for a while. I had been training for about a week and I did well during the first round. I was knocked out in the second round and left right after. This was organised by a group of Indian guys and it seemed like some raqueteering was afoot. Every time one of the people from their group had a match, they would gather around one of the four T.V.'s and cheer the guy on for every single hit he made. This was a little distracting and intimidating. I don't know who won though.

The weekly reviewers meeting wasn't on this week and so I have to hold out for a few days before I try to get my hands on MGS3. I'm really looking forward to that. I get to keep the games that I receive and this would be a very welcome addition to my collection however I don't get the original DVD casing and game book that the purchased game comes with. I'd buy it myself if I had the money - I mean I'm the guy who has a copy of both MGS2: Sons Of Liberty and MGS2: Substance.
Johan is talking about getting a Logitech steering wheel and racing seat for GT4. That would be something!

I've become rather disenchanted with Zazzle after the continuing censorship saga. I haven't visited my page in weeks. Lynn has offered to have silkscreens made for any t-shirts I'm interested in making. I haven't had the time of late but I will certainly get cracking on that.

I've been dropping some rather tactless hints to my friends about my 21st birthday gift. My mom has already given me some sound for the Mazda so I'll be getting little else from her (this sounds really selfish but I'm trying not to write it in that way). I mean we really set the bar high with the iPod Sean had a pretty bad week, the highlights include writing off his Mazda and being cheated on by his now-exgirlfriend, so we got a little trashed together and he let it slip that it has something to do with the now-defunct Jaguar F1 team.

Speaking of F1 I have a tad to gloat about regarding that. I'll leave my smug-equestrian-bashing related rambles until I post again.

P.S. I realised that my previous post must be the most mundane and sad excuse for a post thus far and "next time I'll do better".

On Things I'd Rather Not Leave Out Pt.I: Damnation

2005-03-22T15:46:00.000+02:00

We're back from the weekend at the dam. As is the nature with us, this was a trip that had it's incidents, albeit only minor ones.
When we first arrived, it was unsettlingly difficult to find any trees on the premises. Expecting a very hot and miserable weekend, it wasn't easy to ignore the state of the ablution blocks either. I know what you must be thinking: "you've gone camping and you're complaining about the sparse facilities". Bearing in mind that we did pay to use the facilities, they were considerably sub-standard even for a camping ground.

There were numerous long-drop styled outhouses along the road next to the camping grounds. All of these were spider-ridden, filthy and in varying states of decay. The ablution blocks, with the exception of one, were far worse. There were no ceilings in these buildings and this made it possible for thousands of spiders to nest less than a metre from our heads (many of these actually dropped down on their little menacing webs from hell to greet us). Admittedly many of the eightlegged demon-spawn were "daddy long-legs", and had they been only this specie it would not have been a problem, however the friendly bastards that came to greet us were of a less temperate mould and certainly hurt my comfort-level. Jess is especially repelled by spiders and we ended up using the bathroom at the entrance to the grounds most of the time. This one was the exception as it had a ceiling and very few spiders at all (all of which were the long-legs caste).

We decided to give Steve his iPod on the first evening. It was wrapped in an old tissue box with very scrappy brown-paper bits wrapped with masking tape. He wasn't discouraged by it's appearance and tore right through the Steers paper bag wrapping to find the Shuffle sitting there all pretty. He was taken aback and, as Evan put it, "when you get an awesome gift like this you sometimes don't think you say thank you enough. Y'know, like out of shock."

Opening the gift to load up songs didn't faze Steve's and he carried it around his neck for a large part of the weekend. When Jess and I went to pick it up, a sales person asked if I knew about the coupon deals that they give. How it works is that if I were member, I would receive a coupon with every email that they send me. I could have saved R250 on the purchase. Needless to say I've signed-up, not that I'm expecting to make any purchases in the near future but it's always good to have options.

Saturday was pretty long. I tried to learn how to fish. Steve brought an extra rod with and I was eager to try it out. I was terrible but at least I fared better than Shane did. I cast skew, my mielie-bomb kept losing it's ammo, the bait kept washing off and not one of us caught anything. Ev had a nibble but couldn't produce anything from it. Eventually Shane's brashness and, well let's face it, idiocy saw him snap his rod just above the reel.
Later on in the evening there was some horseplay and Shane couldn't take what he dished out. Despite my small involvement, he decided to target me in his mislead rage and then started venting at Jess. The whole incident highlighted how much of a child the guy is and it just reinforced my belief that he has very little respect for his friends and even less for women. The next morning I woke up at around 6 o'clock and he had already left.

The dirt-roads around the camping area were fun to navigate around. Some tight corners and a few drifting opportunities made it quite a delight.

Of Apples and Lemons

2005-03-16T22:27:00.000+02:00

African-American?

I needed to find details on how to get to C3 Apple Store in Cresta. I had collected all the contributions from my friends and was making plans to buy the iPod for Steve. I was browsing through the VeZa CD-ROM and I saw a suburb name that upset me more than a little.

With all this controversy surrounding the renaming of Pretoria, I doubt this inappropriate name even raised an eyebrow. I know that the Pretoria council has no interest in anything concerning Jo'burg's juristiction, but it is far more offensive to have an area named after a former American president. The name Pretoria has acres more credibility and relevance with regards to South African history that Franklin Roseveltd park does - no matter if he was one of the few admirable Americans in public office.

Moving along swiftly...
...I was shocked by the size of the Shuffle when I first saw it. For some reason I expected it to be a whole lot larger. Imagine the wonder upon seeing the petite darling as it whispered to me. It said, 'Take me now'. I couldn't wait to open it. Since it was a gift, I justified this by loading mp3's onto the pretty little thing. I can't bear parting with it tomorrow.

Such a bitter pill to swallow...